Down.

Just when I'm about to be happy, everything brings me down. I'm tired, I'm super duper tired. I want to be happy and not worry for anything. It's only the 38th day of 2012 and I'm already shedding tears. Many of them. I don't want my 2012 be full of tears. I know it's too early to tell, but please I just want to be happy. Why must everyone bring me down?

I'm in need of happy pills (if there's any) but seriously, someone should invent that. It's so hard for me to be happy now. I try so so so hard to be happy. Whereas others, they can just be happy like that. I may be happy outside, but I'm really crying inside. I hate being at home, everyone here are against me. Everything I do is wrong. And the only way to escape from home is to go to school. And I'm much happier at school than at home, thanks to my friends especially Aisyah, Aineen & Ellysha.

I keep almost everything to myself because I don't want to burden anyone with my problems when they have their own problems. And it seems pointless to tell people if I know they won't know what I'm feeling. I just push it aside. I cry to the littlest and stupidest thing cause everything is piled up inside me. It's just sad that I have to calm myself and comfort myself whenever I'm down. Though I like it, I'm scared one day I'll snap and burst out to someone innocent, which InsyaAllah, won't happen.

But to be honest, I only get sad and down during the night. Where I over think about everything. My studies, my family, my sports, my love-life, my friends and also, myself. I'll make my own movie about how I want to be. And end up getting sad knowing it's not gonna happen. 'What if's are always in my mind.

"What if it didn't happen? Where will I be right now? What if I end up being alone? What if I will forever be unhappy of everything? What if everything I'm going through right now will be solved? What if I won't get straight A's for all the exams? What if my parents disown me?"

Any possible questions that pops out in my mind. I am hurting myself every night. I'm scared. I'm scared of everything. I feel like I'm not good enough for everything and anyone. I feel like running away. As far as I can. Just leave. Though it'll hurt me, I'm sure it won't hurt anyone else. In fact, it'll make everyone's life so much easier.

Ew, I sound so emo but whatever. This is just how I feel. This is just 1/4 of everything I'm keeping. Maybe not even 1/4, less than that. Too many things. Still waiting for someone who will just come up to me and say "Spill it out, tell me what's wrong. Stop faking, tell me now". I will burst out to tears if anyone does that and I will forever, appreciate them. Though it's a one in a million chance, I'm just gonna wait.

To be honest, I find myself funny. I get sad just for a while and I'll be okay. And whenever I'm sad, I'll start to cheer myself up by cracking lame jokes. And I'll laugh. Hahaha, I'm funny. Very funny. Woohoo. Ok, I'm done. Bye.

x