Alexithymia.

I don't know if this is something normal or bad, but most of the time when I'm feeling so many things at once, I end up being really depressed and I don't even know why. That's why sometimes when I may seem troubled or frustrated, I can never really give a specific reason why. It could be because once something ruins my mood, I start thinking about these negative things in my head then more voices just keep making it complicated and eventually one small thing becomes something huge and I'm actually worrying about nothing. I overthink.

Or sometimes, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about a certain situation, and so I get a little confused about my emotions and the depression comes again. I get depressed quite easily, huh? Yeah.

Sometimes I think I'm selfish or having some negative feelings towards something, because the nice part of me tells me to not be so judgemental about it. That makes me frustrated too, because now I'm battling with what I really do feel and what I should be feeling. Hmm confusing.

Every time someone asks me 'what's wrong?', I always end up answering 'I don't know'. Because it's true, most of the time I don't know what's wrong with me, or I don't really know how to explain it all. All I know is that I feel terrible about something. I may have a general idea on what I feel bad about, but I'm even supposed to feel that way about it makes me confused. Then comes another small problem before I even get to figure things out, and the confusion grows.

It's not really healthy. Sometimes I break down because of it. I used to try to tell people about my problems and how I feel and stuff, but for some reason, no one truly understands. I'm grateful for some people who are willing to listen, but in the end I don't really end up understanding the feelings, I only feel slightly better. I guess that's a good and bad thing. The good thing is that I temporarily feel better; the bad thing is that it'll come to haunt me again.

It's hard to describe my feelings to other people because I can't even understand them myself.

I try to though. I really want to. I need to understand myself, because nobody else does.

I'll keep praying that someday, somehow, everything finally makes sense.

Ramadhan.

Finally. This beautiful feeling of being somehow 'free' is back. I miss this feeling. It magically came the moment I heard the call of Maghrib prayer yesterday. I took a deep breath of the new month of Ramadhan, and I could feel my heart crying with joy, my lungs feeling excited. I cried invisible tears of happiness, of gratitude. Alhamdulillah.

I didn't know if I was ever going to meet Ramadhan again. Last Ramadhan was my 'realization' moment. I finally realized how beautiful the month really was, how it was the perfect opportunity to do many wonderful deeds and it was a huge avenue to earn a ticket to Jannah.
Unfortunately since last Ramadhan, I think I started to forget. I started to slowly leave some of the good habits. I was a better person than the previous Ramadhan, no doubt. But it was as if I had walked a mile forward and decided to walk back a third of the way. It was only yesterday did I realize how uncool it was, and how it was a huge waste. I'm not going to let that happen again.

Allah gives us all thousands of opportunities each day to prove to Him that we do deserve to be in Jannah. He has unlimited rewards that He just WANTS to give to us, but we need to earn it first. Despite all of the sins and mistakes I made, all the good habits I left, Allah still gave me the chance to repent, by giving me another Ramadhan, or even another day to live.

The moment all the syaitan and devils got locked up again, I felt calm, safe and secure.
I want to change. I want my faith to be at it's highest this Ramadhan, the most it has ever been for as long as I've lived. I want that to stay within me and keep building and increasing even after Ramadhan. This could be my last Ramadhan, I CAN'T waste it. This is the chance for me to renew myself, to ask for forgiveness from Allah. This is the chance to earn countless of rewards and to eliminate my past sins.

I know that I won't be the only one who takes this advantage to change into a better person, a better servant. I can already see some people who seemed a little lost before see the beauty and opportunities that Allah offers and with their own intuition, they want to change too. Alhamdulillah, the beauty of Ramadhan. Truly a month full of blessings.
I hope through Ramadhan, I can strengthen my bond with my friends and family, after doing so with Allah of course :) I hope the spirit I have for this beautiful month won't only last for a few days, but for the rest of my life. InsyaAllah, let's pray for each other :)

Have a wonderful Ramadhan everyone :D

Affected

I would have never thought that I would be so concerned about this.
Shall not elaborate on what it is, but let's just say it's one of those friendship problems that don't seem to untangle themselves and it's obnoxious really, but...

It's poking at my skin and I can't get it off, and ugh.
The worst part is that I have to meet her like almost everyday of the week and with this estranged relationship I don't really know how to react anymore.

I guess I'm just like that. I'm too prideful and I refuse to lick up or salvage broken friendships because I believe one should not be too enthusiastic when met with someone who obviously doesn't like you.
I mean why bother yourself with stuff like that when even if you try; you're most probably not going to succeed anyway.

I don't know how to think of it - if it's my problem, or simply because she had no trust in me and believed what people say. I am helpless.
I need to speak to her blatantly, like face-to-face, because that's the way I work; but the face that we meet each other so frequently daunts me.
What if it doesn't work out - don't you think it'll be even more awkward?
But do I want to let this three years of friendship go to waste?
Sure we have had our groups and we're not the closest; but I've always treasured her presence and her advice and those talks we used to have in school.
Her waiting for me to finish lessons so we could eat together during recess and talk.
What is this now - that it's all gone?
If it's really a problem with me I don't know what should I do. Should I be changing myself for her? Is that even correct?

But there is simply nothing wrong in trying hard to salvage this relationship - just not at the expense of my pride and further deterioration of the situation.
This is how it works.
It is truly saddening to see how we (she) can change so drastically in such a short period of time. Has she suddenly realized that she had been wrong to accept me in the last two years and decided that I was unworthy of her friendship?

Do I ever hold a place in anyone's heart - except that everyone holds a place in my heart and I over think; even if I don't really like that person.
Their words carve themselves in my heart.
Maybe it's because when I was younger I had more haters than friends - a part of me pursues this social life where everyone likes me.
Of course it probably isn't true action-wise, but I swear a part of me yearns for that. Therefore whenever they comment about me or my attitude, it hurts and I put it to heart - and I try my best to change myself for them to like me.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm living for myself or to make people like me.
Life isn't all about popularity, right? But the higher popularity you have, the ease of doing things and things going your way is truly comparable.
Guess I've been attempting to climb that ladder ever since I was young - but now...
It's still there, only my attempts are now futile and people judge you before they even know you.

That's very nice of you guys.